Peeling The Onion
                                     By Donna M.

I Have A Secret!

When I first learned that my son was addicted to drugs, if I wasn't crying or in my bed, I was on the computer looking for answers.  I was looking for anything that would explain my son's behavior and how I could save him.  I was so pre-occupied with saving my son, that I was slowly losing myself.

When the depression set in, I would go from my bed to the living room couch to the family room couch, round and round for hours and days.  I couldn't control my pain, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything but saving my son from his addiction, and eventually, I became addicted to saving my son from his destructive lifestyle, therefore, he became my drug of choice.

I remember one day, as I was doing my rounds from my bed to my couches, feeling that I should stand naked and admit to anyone who knew me that my life was a lie.  When I realized my life was a lie, I also realized that I had a secret and you don't share these issues with just anyone.  "Oh my God! What am I going to do?"  The tears, the gut wrenching pain was unbearable. "What the hell am I going to do now?"

It took me a long time to start to figure out that piece of the puzzle because if I reached out for help, people would know the truth about my son.  If I continued to keep my secret, I would stay stuck on my emotional roller coaster ride in hell; I wasn't sure which was the lesser of the two evils.

I learned the Serenity Prayer:

             "God, grant me the serenity
   to accept the things that I cannot change;      
      courage to change the things that I can;    
       and the wisdom to know the difference." 

                     Reinhold Niebuhr

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